Mayhem, Part II:
1. Why do men have nipples?
Gender is delineated by a single chromosome...there's bound to be unnecessary parts.
2. Why do people hate Andrew McCutchen?
The same reason you hate the saccharine and overly boisterous cashier at the grocery store: because he/she makes you feel inferior. I'm 10 minutes removed from playing Tetris with luggage and a hatchback, and have a sweat stain on my chest reminiscent of a Rorschach blot. My A/C is broken, and I'm in a generally miserable mood. Right now I hate ANYONE that's living in a comfortable 70 degree temperature, which almost certainly includes Andrew McCutchen.
3. Is it normal to cry after you masturbate?
I suppose it depends on the circumstances. It's probably more normal than jumping for joy.
4. Why do the Pirates not have a flood of prospects after Opie proclaimed himself the "Noah of modern baseball"?
"Opie" is shorthand for Neal Huntington, for those not in the know, and I'm sure his self-declaration is apocryphal, at best. But to answer the question: "floods" are relative. The Pirates may have one of the better farm systems in the league, 50 solid minor league prospects equates to maybe two or three bonafide major league ballplayers. Too much can happen after draft day to bank on just one prospect.
5. Is JaCoby Jones white?
....yes?
6. Why were there ever any concerns about Polanco succeeding? Hasn't Mr. Nutting seen how high that dude's butt is?
He does have classic gazelle butt, which is not a thing, nor is it classic.
7. What happened to the vaunted minor league system? They graduated one player in midseason, and have like 5 prospects with major league potential left.
Vautedness (not a word) is relative to the Bryan Bullington days.
8. Where the fuck have you been? Selfish prick.
I've been adrift in a sea of decadent luxury and meaningless sex. Or I've just been too busy to focus my attention on a 45 person message board.
9. Which players love cats?
All of them. Except Pedro. He's all about boa constrictors.
10. Better at their job: Jeff Branson, Ray Searage, or God? (trick question: they are all the same person).
Searage is probably a better micromanager than God, but Branson reminds me of Mickey, from the Rocky franchise (and looks obviously make a person better at their job).
11. Tim Williams of PiratesProspects.com is an asshole.
QED
12. You ever have a whiskey ice cream float?
I like my whiskey to taste like whiskey. I would consider this beverage if the ice cream was also whiskey-flavored.
13. Is it next Wednesday?
Given the few minutes we conveniently shave off each year between the calendar and the actual revolution of the Earth, ANY day could be next Wednesday. Mind. Blown.
14. I've heard it said that Jose Lind kept a switchblade in his sock, and that no one messed with him because of it. Is that true?
No. It was a butterfly knife.
15. R.J. Reynolds once spent a month crashing on my couch. Dude was FUCKED UP. Whatever happened to him?
He owns a profitable tobacco company.
16. I'm intrigued by the capacity of sports athletes to be faithful to their wives. Which Pirate over the last twenty years has remained absolutely faithful?
Oliver Onion.
17. Which was most likely to have cheated on his wife? In your opinion...allegedly...
Cheaty McDivorceson.
18. Are any of the Pirates players home brewers? Fans of craft beer?
They only drink PowerAde®, official sponsor of Major League Baseball.
19. Who was the first gay Pittsburgh Pirate?
If it was scheduled for demolition she might make an appearance.
21. Is WiH a wizard?
No man that wears capri pants is a wizard.
22. Climax or Hi-Way Playground?
Both are long drives for live boobs. Whichever one has a better buffet.
23. Who's bringing the burgers?
Marty, probably. But nobody will bring a grill that works.
24. You guys playin' cards?
Self-help books.
26. Statistically, who was the worst player at each position for the Pirates since 1950?
1B: Drew Sutton
2B: Drew Sutton
3B: Drew Sutton
SS: Pat Meares
LF: Drew Sutton
CF: Darren Lewis
RF: Drew Sutton
C: Dan Bilardello
27. How much do theater managers make?
They're paid in garbage bags of popcorn. Consult your bank for exchange rates.
28. Can God microwave a burrito (or Hot Pocket) so hot that even he can't eat it?
A meteor impacting the earth is God spitting out a too-hot chunk of burrito. Everyone knows that.
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