#1: Quit Smoking

So.  Here's the story.

I was 19.

I had just finished a shift at Eat n' Park (for those of you not in the tri-county area, it's a restaurant chain similar to Denny's...and yes, I know the name makes no sense).  A group of coworkers decided to head to King's (another semi-regional restaurant) for coffee and dessert, and they asked me to come along.

I clocked out, stopped the gas station, bought a pack of cigarettes, and met up with the rest of them.

That was my first cigarette.  Ever.

Like most first cigarettes, inhaling it was a wretched experience.  My throat tightened, I wheezed, and exhaling came with the sudden onset of a terrible headache.  It felt like drowning...which is pretty much what I was doing to myself.  Then, the nicotine kicked in, and it was smooth sailing.

They were Kamel Reds, by the way.  I made my selection based entirely on the packaging.

I bought them knowing that everyone there was also a smoker.  Nobody encouraged me.  There was no pressure to fit in, and in hindsight I wasn't even sure why I thought it was so important that we share smoking as common ground.  Granted, I was a witness at a wedding between two of them, but other than that they were no more than acquaintances.

Soon after I was a regular.  I switched to Camel Lights because they were the cigarette of choice among my roommates.  I smoked every chance I had, often going over two packs a day.  Back then a pack was just $2.50.  It was easy to work a few extra bucks into the meager budget of a college student.

My first year out of school I was in a new apartment, with a new roommate, and a new brand (Camel Turkish Gold).  I spent nights after work in the smoking section, doing crossword puzzles and drinking free coffee.

I moved on to Marlboro Lights after meeting my future wife and moving to Houston.  I guess I was never picky about what I smoked (provided it wasn't menthol).  We had a kid.  We moved back to Pittsburgh.  We got married.  We separated.  And through it all, I smoked.

Today I'm smoking Marlboro Black 100s.  If people see the pack they will ask me what they are, and I will tell them that "they're Marlboro's that are always on sale."  Cheap is important when the average pack now costs over $6.00.  If it's the weekend or if I work from home, I will still smoke about two packs.  If I'm in the office all day I generally go through one pack, smoking every hour or so, with a few extra during lunch break.

I used to think that I smoked out of stress.  When I started I was struggling through school.  We had medical issues run rampant throughout the family.  But there's less truth to that than what I first believed.  I smoke because I'm a smoker.  I perpetuate my smoking every morning and I keep the ball rolling until I fall asleep.  It's something to do while I'm doing something else.  It brings about a false sense of multi-tasking, of productivity.

Here's what else it is:

1. It smells goddamn terrible.  When you stop smoking for a day or two and smell your clothes, your house, your car...it's the worst odor in the world, and it makes you crave another cigarette despite its stench.
2. It has made me throw up on more than one occasion.  Poor lung function, combined with the awesome bi-polar weather in Pittsburgh, often leaves me with a chronic cough every morning.  Combine that with coffee and you can imagine the effects of coughing a little too violently.
3. It is eeeeeeexxxxxxpensive.  My current choice is a robust $5.04 a pack.  On average I'll go through 30 cigarettes a day, or 1.5 packs, which would be $10.08 a day.  This year alone I've spent $3679.20 on cigarettes, and that's assuming that I always buy the $5.04 packs (I do not).  $3700.  That would've been one hell of a vacation.
4. It is generally frowned upon by most of society.  A decade ago I could take my smoke breaks in the cafeteria, located in the basement of my office building.  Now, I have to go outside, where it's January, in Pittsburgh.  And I have to stand 10 feet away from the entrance, leaving me generally exposed to every weather condition that could possibly exist.  I cannot smoke in any hotel room that is worth staying in.  I cannot smoke after dinner unless I leave the restaurant.  I am growing more uncomfortable with being a social pariah, even if I'm rarely alone in those escapades.
5. It is an excuse to not exercise or do other things that healthy people would do.  I'm not dumb enough to think that quitting smoking will turn me into a fitness freak.  But on more than one occasion I have considered exercising only to think "why bother?  I'm smashing a bunch of tar and shit into my lungs."

How does one quit smoking?  Beats me.  The longest I went without a cigarette was about 10 days, and more than half of those were spent in a hospital, with the worst case of flu any doctor could remember.  It was so bad that they had to rule out meningitis (nothing like a spinal tap to make a trip to the ER extra special).  When I felt better, I had a cigarette.

What I do know is that my brain has been tricked into think that smoking is normal...that I need that nicotine in order to function.  I know that's total bullshit, otherwise EVERYONE WOULD BE A SMOKER.  I haven't even spent half of my life smoking.  I know that I wasn't missing out on anything from years 1 to 18.

I don't expect to quit tomorrow and then spend the next 365 days smoke free.  I will struggle.  I will have moments that are particularly stressful and I will want a cigarette...and sometimes, I'll have one.  But I will finish the second half of the year as an ex-smoker, at the very least.

When I was a kid, my father smoked.  A lot.  Maybe more than I did, and not the filtered kind either.  He stopped when he was cutting the grass (and smoking) and saw me put a twig between my lips, imitating him.

I don't need my daughter to do the same thing to know that I am not being a great role model.

So that it's.  Goal #1: Quit Smoking.  Starting on January 3rd.  At least I know I won't be alone, thanks to the new year and millions of others making the same promise (including myself, at this same time, last year).