Resolve.

It's the morning of New Year's Eve.  In less than 24 hours, this year will be over.  Gone.  Some memories from 2012 will last a lifetime.  Some will be forgotten weeks or months from now.  Still, others are already absent, left behind as the normal, the typical, the drudgery of everyday life that won't be missed or remembered fondly.

On this last day of the year, I know I will be alone.  Don't cry for me (Argentina).  As far as celebratory holidays go, New Years was never a big deal for me.  I did the First Night thing once, when I was 15.  I've never been to a party that was either a) at someone's house that I wasn't related to or b) included more than five people.  The closest I came to a traditional NYE was at a bar in Houston, where the band basically missed the countdown and did their own, minutes after midnight.

I will be in this position because I am a mess.  The only thing I seem to really excel at is tricking people into thinking that everything is fantastic, that I'm in control of my life.  I'm good at fooling everyone, including myself.  For years I have lived under the auspice that nothing can possibly change for the worse.  I've got my family, and I've got some friends, and no matter what happens, everything will be okay because of those two things.  But stagnancy is just a pretty word for laziness.  Things need to be more than just "okay".

Things change, all the time.  What was important to you now may not have been so important last year, or ten years ago, and vice-versa.  We are all part of some ever-evolving landscape, in society, in nature, and in life.  Adapt or die, as Palahniuk would say.  But I haven't changed.  If you asked me 15 years ago what I contributed to society, I would say that I'm good with numbers, and I'm relatively funny.  If you asked me that same question, right now, the answers would be exactly the same.

That's not a good thing.

It's a terrible thing, actually.  What I was, fresh out of high school, is not what I should still be.  I should be better.  I should be MORE.  Yes, I'm a father, but what kind of role model am I?  I would hate for my kids to grow up to be like me: smart in a handful of ways, desperately inept in many others.  Still, this isn't about them.  Not really.  I mean, the things I do influence them, and there's always hope that self-improvement will improve their lives on some level.

I turned 33 a few days ago.  As we grow older milestones become less frequent.  We can drive at 16.  We can smoke, buy lottery tickets, vote, and countless other things at 18.  We become full-fledged adults at 21. We can rent a car at 25 (not really much of a reward for making it to a quarter century).  After that, the focus shifts to decades.  One might celebrate turning 30, 40, 50, etc., but turning 33 usually means a nice dinner and maybe few gifts (or, if you have parents like mine, a nice lunch and a brand new wardrobe).

Turning 33 just gave me a reason to think of 33 things I want to do this year.

Some are cliched resolutions, others are a little bit off of the beaten path.  Some can be completed in minutes or hours, others may take the entire year.  But, all of them can be compartmentalized into three categories:

- Things that would improve my life.
- Things that would improve the lives of the people I care about.
- Things that would contribute to society, even on the most arbitrary level.

I haven't felt a sincere sense of accomplishment in forever, and generally that is what has motivated me throughout my life.  I've seen where I've ended up without that motivation, and I know it's time.  It's time to turn everything around.  It's time to be more than just okay.  It's time to just be more.